


it's called: freefall

by brunetteandblond



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, David Deals With Shit, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Patrick and David are Engaged, Post-Season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-11-09
Packaged: 2020-12-27 23:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21127175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brunetteandblond/pseuds/brunetteandblond
Summary: Stevie sighed. “Do you really expect me to just leave you like this?”He stared at her. “Like what?”She tugged at her plaid sleeves and tried to hold eye contact with him, even though it was hard for both of them. “Like you’re hurting.”He gulped and felt tears rim his eyes. He hated that it was obvious. That his sister could see. That his best friend could see. He could only imagine Patrick’s reaction. How his fiance would just hold him and tell him everything would be alright as if he deserved his comfort. David felt like he deserved nothing.“I’m fine.”





	1. bare bones

Alexis looked at him with a smile, even an encouraging one, but his heart continued to sink with drifting, unshakable thoughts that made him want to curl up into a ball and ignore the rest of the world. It wouldn’t be a hard feat. Ignoring others and himself until every thought disappeared was something he had once mastered. 

The world was moving, spinning, all around him. It was as if everyone was moving at a higher speed, one that he couldn’t keep up with because he knew that if he tried, he would fail. All he could do was stand still, hold on, and just hope that he wouldn’t fall down. 

“We’re both leaving anyways, so it’s not like a big deal.” She tugged at the tips of her hair and watched him closely. David wondered if she knew what was going on in his mind. 

Because to him, it _ was _a big deal. Maybe the _biggest_ deal. Alexis was packing for the Galapagos and he was packing to move in with Patrick. Everything was changing. So incredibly fast. Too fast. Faster than he had expected. 

“Um, you’re going to an island and staying in a tent. I would call that a big deal, Alexis.” 

She rolled her eyes. “Eww, David. Don’t even remind me about that. I was trying to be nice and hide it from everyone, but I am _ not _excited about those sleeping arrangements.” 

He almost smiled. “Well, I don't think you excelled at the 'hiding' part.” 

“But I’m doing it for Ted. You know how it is. Sacrificing for your boyfriend. It’s just what we do.” 

David wanted to tell her that this was the first sacrifice she has ever made to anyone, but he didn’t have the heart to mutter it. Because his mind quickly shifted to thinking about Patrick and their life they were going to start together. As married people. David shuddered. He needed time to wrap his head around that. Not that the prospect of marrying the man of his dreams was something hard to comprehend. He just wasn’t completely sure it would all work out. Nothing in his past beforehand suggested it would. 

Before Patrick, he was beaten down by possible suitors. All turned off by his personal style and specific tastes. Sometimes, David could fall hard for someone. He could be consumed by deep desire that churned inside his stomach. But real, painful, heart-shattering feelings? Love? That was a rare. The closest he got to that before Patrick was Stevie. He did love her, but they soon both realized it was purely platonic. 

He loved Patrick. More than anything on the planet. Which was terrifying. Because what if he fucked everything up and pushed the one good thing in his life away? How could he survive that?

“I can tell with your eyebrows scrunched up like that that you are thinking too much.” 

David sighed at his sister. “Not everyone likes to not think, Alexis.” 

She huffed. “Don’t be short with me. I didn’t do anything. Are you just sad that I’m going away?” 

_ Yes. _

“No, don’t be ridiculous. I’m just not sure I can fit all my clothes into these boxes.” 

He could tell his sister was skeptical. But if she was, she wouldn’t say anything about it. “Are you sure you’ll be able to fit all those clothes in Patrick’s tiny apartment anyway?” 

“Yes, Alexis. His place isn’t small. It’s quaint. There’s a difference.” Truth was, Patrick’s apartment was the last thing on his mind. Except, he was worried that living together would change Patrick’s mind about the whole thing. 

Alexis groaned and flopped onto her bed. “I miss Ted. More than I thought I would. Is this what it feels like to depend on someone?” 

David glared at her. “You’ve been depending on people your whole life. I think what you are finally experiencing is missing someone you genuinely care about.” 

She sat up and stared at him with slight anger. “I’ve cared about people before, David!” 

“Hmm, sure you have.” 

Ignoring her shocked and hurt face, David dropped the box from his hands and opened the door. He didn’t know where he was going, he just needed to walk. Clear his head. Run away. 

He wasn’t keeping track of the distance or the building he walked past. Part of him considered walking to his store to meet up with Patrick, but the thought made his stomach hurt. He couldn’t see Patrick. Not now. 

“DAVID! DAVID, STOP!” 

He turned around to find Stevie chasing after him, her face all red as she tried to hold her pants up so that they didn’t fall. On an average day, the sight would have made him laugh and feel better about his own lack of athleticism. But right now, he felt nothing. 

“What the hell, man?” Stevie asked when she caught up to him, huffing and puffing. “I’ve never seen you walk this fast in my life! Did you find out there’s a sale or something?” 

“Ha. Ha. You’re so funny, Stevie.” 

She raised an eyebrow. “Damn, David. What’s wrong with you?” 

“Nothing!” He shouted, waving his hands in the air as he almost walked back into a tree. “There’s nothing wrong!”

But there was something wrong. God, everything felt wrong. 

She put her hands up in surrender. “Fine. If you say so. I’m not going to argue with _ you _ about how _ you’re _feeling. I’ve got a suspicion I would lose that fight.” 

She was being funny. Trying to cheer him up the only way she knew how. And he didn’t feel like he deserved it. Not her unconditional friendship or the shoulder he knew he could use to cry on. He didn’t want to burden her with his own shit. Stupid shit. Shit no one else could possibly understand. Because hell, he didn’t understand it himself. 

He started to walk again and she followed by his side, right where he knew she would stand forever if he asked. 

“You know, your mother was trying to give me romance advice. It was very different than your dad’s. Your mother seems to believe that I should start giving ladies a try. She seems to think I would attract them better.” 

“To be fair, you do look like a lesbian.” 

She smiled. “I know. And it’s not like I haven’t dabbled with… the same sex…” 

David stopped walking and turned to her. “Are you trying to distract me by casually mentioning that you might not be straight? If so, it’s working.” 

She smiled wider. “Good. I dunno. If the perfect person comes along, then great. Gender be damned. If I can find someone as good as Patrick, no matter who they are, I’ll snatch em right up.” 

She was trying to be supportive. He loved how much she and Patrick got along. But Stevie was right. Patrick was, in almost every way, perfect. And David… well, he had faults. Scars. 

“As long as it’s not Patrick you’re snatching up,” David replied, his heart not really into continuing the conversation. “Shouldn’t you be at the motel? Doesn’t someone need to work at the desk?” 

“Roland’s at the desk.” 

“My point stands. Shouldn’t you be at the motel?” 

Stevie sighed. “Do you really expect me to just leave you like this?” 

He stared at her. “Like what?” 

She tugged at her plaid sleeves and tried to hold eye contact with him, even though it was hard for both of them. “Like you’re hurting.” 

He gulped and felt tears rim his eyes. He hated that it was obvious. That his sister could see. That his best friend could see. He could only imagine Patrick’s reaction. How his fiance would just hold him and tell him everything would be alright as if he deserved his comfort. David felt like he deserved nothing. 

“I’m fine.” 

“You’re not.” 

He crossed his arms. “There’s no reason for me not to be fine.” 

She glared at him. “That doesn’t mean that you _ have _to be fine.” 

Stevie was wrong. David had a good life. A family he didn’t hate, a best friend he could relate to, and a fiance that would become the world’s greatest husband. And still, there was a pit in his stomach. The guilt of feeling this doubt and sadness was eating him away. Because he had no right to feel this way. 

“Well, I _ am _fine. So you don’t have to worry.”

He walked away. He didn’t want to see her reaction to his lie. 


	2. all's well that ends

David could remember a time that he would walk down a street and no one would look in his direction (unless they were judging his clothes). There were no friendly waves, strange hello’s, or continual congratulations about his engagement. He was a nobody rich boy, not in tune with his life or anyone else’s. Now… now he was different. 

He was _somebody_ here. He wasn't alone. 

At first, he thought Schitt’s Creek was hell or a curse for all their bad karma for being rich assholes. He missed city life and the charm of knowing no one and liking it. People didn’t know him or understand him. Some pretended to, hoping to munch off his extensive wealth, but most people stayed away. He tried to not care. And most of the time, he didn’t. 

He accepted life the way it was: empty and thoughtless. He barely knew anyone and no one knew him. It was easy, albeit sometimes incredibly lonely. 

Stevie was his first blessing in this new podunk town he was living in. It was unspoken understanding right from the start; they both thought the world was shit and that there was no point giving a shit. Dark thoughts, maybe. But they shared them. 

Sometimes, he still feels that pointlessness when he can’t sleep at night and his brain is running miles a minute. Just like now as he raced to nowhere. There was no point in this journey. He wondered if that’s life in general. One pointless cycle of shit. 

His throat felt swollen like there was a lump of sludge in it. His stomach lurched from pain. His hands were shaking. He thought he might just topple over on the sidewalk. He believed that would be just his luck. 

“Woah, Dave, you okay there buddy? You look like you just saw a ghost. Oh boy, is Bathilda haunting the town again?” 

David tilted his head at the man, trying to understand how it was possible that Roland was here with him when he was supposed to be at the motel. He tried to swallow to clear his throat. Roland was truly looking at him with concern, despite his jovial tone. 

“I’m just,” David croaked, “dehydrated. Parched. Aren’t you supposed to be at the motel?” 

“The motel?” Roland chuckled with uncertainty. “Davey, are you alright? It’s five o’clock. I have to go home and handle some manly business before the wife gets home, if you know what I mean.” 

David looked around and realized that he had gone around the town in circles. It was actually already getting dark. He had been walking for hours. His feet suddenly hurt. 

“I don’t know what you mean, Roland.” 

Roland pat David on the back and the younger man flinched. “I know you don’t, David. You sure you’re alright? Your back feels like a swamp--”

“I was actually heading to the store, so if you don’t mind…” 

Roland put his hands up in surrender. “Of course, of course. You know, Dave. If you ever need to talk to someone--”

“Oh, fuck no,” David muttered and started to walk away to definitely _ not _the store. 

He kept on walking even when he heard Roland shout, “I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOUR FATHER!” 

He kept on walking. 

And walking. 

He didn’t know how much time had passed when he felt his phone buzz. It was Patrick. His fiance asked if he wanted to meet him at Cafe Tropical for dinner. David was starving. But he didn’t reply. He still wasn’t ready to see him. 

It wasn’t too much later when texts started coming more rapidly. Patrick was wondering why David wasn’t responding. If he was okay. If something was wrong. Texts turned to phone calls. And his calls turned into calls from Stevie. And Alexis. And his father. 

David shivered when he turned his phone on silent. He could almost see his breath from the cold. He knew his thin knitted sweater wouldn’t protect him from the cold. But he didn’t care. 

He felt too much to care about anything at all.

* * *

The sun was going down, now. Bitterly and fiercely. He didn’t like the sun. In fact, it was normally his enemy. But he had felt like he had deserved its harsh rays in his face. And now it was going down, he wanted his punishment back. 

David almost turned around when he saw Jocelyn’s silhouette shadowed from the light of the pink sky. She was heading toward him with worry riddled in her face. He groaned. The last thing he needed was a positive speech from her. He didn’t deserve her kindness. 

“David! Hey, David!” She called out with a wave as she approached him. “I was just with your mother. She’s trying to get out of her _ Crows _funk by getting herself involved with another show. Please ask that fiance of yours to audition. I’m already going to have Rollie on Stevie duty. Are you interested--” 

“Jocelyn, I would rather eat glass than act in one of my mother’s shows. Hell, I’d rather marry your husband.” 

Jocelyn stepped backward with complete surprise. She always thought she had a good relationship with David. And while David wasn’t necessarily known for being in the best of moods, even this seemed out of character. 

“David, honey, are you al--” 

“I will be when you leave me alone,” He replied as heartlessly as he could before walking away from her. He bit his lip. He hated the way he spoke to her. Part of him wanted to turn around and apologize. But he thought that if he did, he would just break down and admit the truth. And he couldn't do that. 

Because truth was, he was hurting. And he didn't want anyone to know. 


	3. living just comes with a bit of a heartache

He didn’t know what made him decide to walk the trail that he and Patrick took only a few days ago. He didn’t know what drew him there. He hated the hike (until the end) and now he was walking it willingly. Though, his legs did seem to move without his head’s opinion. 

His chest hurt after the hours of walking that he wasn’t used to, but he couldn’t stop. He continued to walk. And walk. 

His feet only stopped moving when he reached the cliff where his life had changed. Where the love of his life proposed. Where, for another moment in his long life, he felt like life wasn’t shit and worthless (all of his good moments were spent with Patrick). But now, all those negative thoughts returned, but with twice the weight. 

David sat on a rock and watched as the sun finally escape the sky. He took a few deep breaths, like a previous therapist would have suggested, but continued to hurt. 

He thought about the life he was given. Born into wealth and coldness. A family who didn’t want him around and friends who didn’t like him. An outsider who didn’t belong with other outcasts. Sometimes, he thought that he was the only one living in the world and that this planet was his own personal hell. Sometimes he felt like just living was a punishment. 

Some days, he couldn’t function at all. 

Some nights, he couldn’t sleep. 

Some mornings, he didn’t want to wake up. 

Sometimes, he wished he would just poof out of existence. 

Yet he was still here. Alive and hurting. And none of it felt worth it. Because he knew, no matter what happened or who he married, there were going to be days where he still couldn’t function, or sleep, or want to be alive. He would always feel like a waste of space, happy or not. Loved or not. 

And the thought of burdening Patrick with his pain seemed unthinkable. His fiance deserved someone not as fucked up. All he had to do was walk until he found a bus. And then he could walk away forever. 

“You know, I didn’t take you up here so you could come when you want to scare the hell out of me.” 

David turned around to find Patrick bundled up in warm clothes and holding a flashlight. David stared at him blankly, unable to say or do anything. Patrick had tears in his eyes. It was obvious that he was concerned and scared. 

“I’ve been texting you for hours. Everyone has. Your dad almost wanted to declare you missing to the police. Your mom wanted to have a vigil and sing. Your sister was willing to search the woods for you. Everyone’s been looking for you.” 

David gulped and stared at his shaking hands. He didn’t know if he was trembling because of the cold or because of the way his body was falling apart. 

Patrick looked from his fiance to the cliff and felt the air knock out of his body. “David… David… are you… what’s happening?” 

The crack in Patrick’s voice made David shudder. He was already hurting him, he could tell. This was making it all worse. 

“Your sister, she said that you were acting strangely when you were packing. And Stevie said you were running far from the motel. Is packing stressing you out? You know, you don’t have to move into my place yet if you don’t want to. I know my place is tiny--” 

“Stop, Patrick.” Tears fell from David’s eyes. “Please, just stop.” 

Patrick didn’t want to. Because his fiance was sitting close to a cliff and he wasn’t answering his phone. There was no way he’d stop. 

“Alexis says that you sometimes get like this. That you sometimes… that you go through periods where…” 

David knew the words he was searching for. Patrick was trying to talk about the times that he was depressed and full of dangerous thoughts. He appreciated that his fiance didn’t say it out loud. But he did realize something. He did owe Patrick an explanation. At least something before they would inevitably end. 

“Everyone thought it was a phase. The dark, slightly baggy clothes. The sad nature. The bitterness. The lack of drive to do anything. Therapists tried to diagnose me. Psychiatrists tried to medicate me. I tried pills. But there wasn’t a quick fix, so everyone gave up. Including me. I was different before I came to this town. I was walking the edge of the abyss, secretly hoping someone would just give me a small shove. I’ve always believed I deserved it. I’m unhappy for no reason. No reason at all. And I hate myself for it.” 

Patrick was almost sobbing when he started to move towards him. “Oh, David--” 

“I should have told you. Warned you. You make me the happiest I’ve ever been. But I couldn’t stop the pain. Not forever. No matter how much I want to. So I came here. I don’t know why. Maybe to look at the cliff and wonder how it would be to freefall. But I can’t. I can’t do anything.” 

Patrick’s heart broke, but that didn’t stop him from wrapping his arms around his fiance, ignoring David’s wiggling and protests. He held him until he finally stopped struggling and began to cry into Patrick’s shoulder. 

They both cried for minutes, holding each other like it was the end of the world. Holding each other like they would never hold each other again. Though, Patrick refused for this to be any sort of ending for them. 

“Your mom told me,” Patrick finally admitted once they peeled apart. “I mean, not any of that, because I’m not sure that your parents even know that. But she told me that you were vulnerable and that you had seen professionals. She already warned me. But David, none of that stuff matters to me. Because I _ do _know what it’s like. I was a gay kid growing up thinking something was wrong with me because nothing felt right. When I was a teenager, I was on different meds, too. And sure, maybe the two of us are a little broken. But what’s to say we can’t mend each other?” 

David stared at him with wonder and slight hesitation. 

“I feel so guilty about being sad when I should be happy. I feel like I was made without functioning parts. And I don’t want you to have to deal with my sh--” 

“But I’m volunteering, David,” Patrick proclaimed as he cupped David’s cheeks with adoration. “I want every single part of you. The good, the bad, the ugly, which isn’t even possible because you’re beautiful. I love you. Okay, David? I _ love _you. And nothing in this world would make me happier than marrying you.” 

David felt his stomach flutter. Patrick always had this effect on him. He always made him feel loved and safe. It made him forget the pit in his stomach and the lump in his throat. Patrick made him want the light. 

“I don’t deserve you,” David whispered. 

Patrick shook his head and sighed. “Of course you do. David, you deserve all the happiness in the world. You know, I used to think the same thing. You were so experienced and I… I thought you deserved someone who wasn’t so… new. But _ you _reassured me. You held me tight and told me that it was new for you too. If you are saying that you don’t deserve me because of your mental health… David, we can get through this together.” 

David’s anxiety and unhealthy thoughts told him that Patrick was lying. That Patrick didn’t know what he was talking about. That Patrick wasn’t ready for David’s shit. 

But his heart was saying something different. It was saying that Patrick loved him, cared about him, cherished him. That Patrick would go to the ends of the earth to ensure his happiness. That they could get through this together if they just keep fighting. 

For once in his life, David let his heart win. 

“Fuck it, I love you.” 

David collapsed into Patrick’s arms and allowed himself to be held. He listened to his fiance’s reassurances and really, truly, believed them. He let himself be loved without fear of whether or not he deserved it. 

The cliff was no longer attractive. His pipe dream was no longer the perfect freefall. He was ready to walk hand in hand with Patrick, but his legs were tired. This time, he let his fiance carry him out of the woods and out of the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was a bit of therapy for me. Thank you all for reading! Please comment and let me know what you think!


End file.
